Hellsing: WTF!
by Minion V2
Summary: Warning: Contains Manga, anime, and OVA spoilers. An author Collab between me and Lord Deshwitat. This is a Very Random Fic. Be forewarned. Please R&R, my first Hellsing Fic.
1. Act 1

A/N: 'Ello. None of you know me. And that is good. Knowing is half the battle, and I've already won. Now. This is your disclaimer's warning for this fanfiction, "Hellsing: WTF?!". The following fanfic is random. Very random. You will not understand parts of it, and there is no hidden meaning behind the randomness, so don't search for it. For this fanfic, I needed an extra dose of random. So, I asked the Writer "Lord Deshwitat", author of "Alucard's Tales of Boredom". I am the editor of that fanfic. I needed more random, and he decided to work with me on this. Two skits will be written by him, and two by me. The story will weave in and out of The Mangas, The original tv show, and the OVA. ow, to envision the style of this fanfiction, imagine the following elements: Hellsing, Sugar, Bobobo Bo Bobobo's Randomness, dogs,

prfect Hair Forever, Broccoli, Monty Python, Hellsing Ultimate, Pillows, Hellsing: The Dawn, Random, and FUNK! Now, imagine all of these elements rolled up into the finest joint, and smoked by Hideo Kojima. Are you crying yet? Good. Let the madness begin.

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Chapter one: Act one: Vegetables.

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In the control room of the Millenium Warship, The Dok and Major were locked in a staredown. Both had started sweating, and each was waiting for the other to blink. Each was silent.

"..." The Major breathed, a grimace strewn across his lips, and his blue eyes showing anger.

"..." The Dok breathed back, his eyes locked with the Major's.

"..."

"..."

"..."

"..."

"..."

"..."

"..."

"..."

"..."

"..."

After twelve minutes, and fourty seconds, The Major shouted, reaching into his jacket, as the Dok reached into his. They both smirked, and the Major pulled out...A Carrot. The Dok, however, had pulled the ultimate counterattack, and pulled out a Potato. The Major threw the carrot down in disgust.

"Dammit." The Major cursed, kicking over his computer that he really didn't need since they were 500 FEET ABOVE GROUND LEVEL. The Dok smirked.

"I vin."

"Ja, Dok...again. I haff to say, though, you are gut at this!"

"Ja, nobody expects ze potato."

They both laughed together, before the Major suddenly let out a roar, and tackled The Dok, beating his head into the ground. The Dok shouted in fear.

"HERR MAJOR!!! STOP THIS AT ONCE!! YOU HAFF LOST YOUR MIND!"

The Major grinned, and got off, laughing nervously.

"Sorry, Dok...my bipolar disorder vas acting up again. Zat, und mein uncrontrollable desire to make mad love to y-"

"VHAT?!!" The Dok shouted, his spectacles falling off.

"MEIN GOTT DOK, YOU HAFF EYES?!"

"YES, YOU KNOW ZAT!!!"

"I THOUGHT THOSE VERE YOUR EYES!"

"NEIN!!! ZEY JUST HELP ME READ THINGS!"

"Oh...vell, gib mir diene pants."

"No. By ze vay, Major...vhy are ve speaking english? Everyone on zis ship ist German, so vhy are ve not speaking out native tou-"

The Dok was cut off by a wicked slap to the face by an angry Major.

"FOOL! DO NOT QUESTION ZE MAKER'S DECISION! YOU VILL GET US ALL KILLED IN THE NEXT VOLUME!!!"

"...'Maker'? 'Volume'? Hast du lost your mind?" The Dok asked, confused at the Major's outburst.

"All our vork will be for nothing!" The Major continued, stomping around on top og his desk. The Dok thought this would be a good time to exit stage left, and go into the ship's bar, and have a drink, and consider what all was going on.

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Chapter one, Act Two:

Alucard's Pussy.

-------------------------------

Alucard was walking around in the Hellsing Manor, whistling to himself, when Seras passed him by with a wave.

"Wait, Police Girl, I have a question..." Alucard said with a smirk. Seras turned around, confused.

"What is it, Master Alucard? Did they find the rats?"

"No, No, Police Girl, it's on a more personal note. I was wondering...would you like to pet my Pussy?"

"SAY WHAT?!!!!?!?!!" Seras screamed, falling back, her eyes wide, and sweating. She began to scamper away, as Alucard followed her, smiling.

"But Police Girl, look at it...I think Mr. Pussy needs a big stroke!!!" Alucard said, opening his jacket, and revealing a beaten, bloody Schrodinger, strapped to the inside of Alucard's jacket, and wearing nothing but his underwear, and crudely drawn cat makeup. Schrodinger looked helplessly at Seras, who was having a nervous breakdown...or a seizure.

"Call...ze policeee..." Schrodinger whispered out to Seras, crying. Alucard laughed, and closed his jacket, laughing maniaclly. Seras finally came to her senses, and ran off screaming about the entire mansion being a freak house. Alucard stopped laughing, and noticed Seras was gone.

"Oh Darn...I was wanting to ask her where the remote was, too...ah, well, maybe Walter knows." Alucard walked on, whistling the theme from "Happy Days", ignoring the muffled screaming and crying coming from his jacket.

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A/N: And now, the Deshwitat chapters.

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Chapter 1, Act 3: Baby.(Deshwitat)

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It was a normal day at the Hellsing mansion, when Seras decided to go for a lovely stroll across the mansion.

"Hmmmmmm, what shall I do today?" She asked, as she walked around for a few minutes. "What to do, what to do?", she asked again, before running into Walter.

"Walter, how are you tonight?" the vampiress asked, with a wave and a grin.

"Ms. Victoria, I'm doing very well thank you, and how are you?"

"Im really really bored, wheres Sir Integra?"

In Integras room, the usually strict heir was looking into her dresser mirror, and smiling as she was combing her hair.

"I'm a pretty pony, I'm a pretty pony ...IM THE PRETTIEST PONY IN THE LAND!!"

---------------------

Now, back to our sexy vampire with big boobs.

"HEY I HEARD THAT!!" the pissed, sexy vampire replied.

NO YA DIDN'T!!!

So anyway back to our tale...

---------------------

"So...where's Mr. Vernedead?" the bored and confused vampire asked.

"HE'S DEAD! HE'S DEAD! HE'S A ROTTING CORPSE AND YOULL NEVER SEE HIM AGAIN!!! HE'S GOT WORMS CRAWLING IN HIS INTESTINES!!! GRAH HA HA HA!! YOU KILLED HIM!! YOU KILLED HIM!! ALL YOUR FAULT!!! YOUR FAULT!!" Walter screamed at Seras in a fit of hysteria.

"Walter, hes right behind you."

"GRAHHHHHHHHHHH ZOMBIE!!!" The scared butler replied and ran off screaming

"What in ze hell was that about?" Pip asked his crush.

"I don't know. I think hes seeing into the future or something. So, wheres master?"

"He eez taking a dump." The frenchman replied.

"Really? I didn't know he could do-"

"GRAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH"

WHAT THE HELL WAS THAT?!" Seras shouted in confusion.

"It came from ze bathroom."

Seras ran off in the direction of the bathroom.

----

In the bathroom, Alucard was on the the toilet reading a Playboy with WWE Diva Ashley Massaro on the cover. He was blushing, and grinning.

"Oh, these humans are very prett-GRAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!! (Plunk)" Alucard stood up, pulled up his pants and looked in the toilet, before smiling with great joy.

"OH MY GOD IT'S A BOY!!!"

A black tentnacle came up and grabbed him by the throught, lifting him above the toilet.

Seras walked in, concerned. "Master is every OH MY GOD WHAT THE HELL IS IT?!?"

"GET THE CAMERA POILICE GIRL, ITS GIVING ME A HUG!!!"

More tentacles came up and wrapped around him, and dragged him into the toilet.

"MASTER!!" She shouted, running up to the toilet to look in. "Master are you okACK!!?!" The tentacles came up again, and dragged her in too.

Walter then walked in. "Where did they go? He asked, as he looked in the toilet, as another tentacle shot up, and grabbed him "gRAHHHHHHHH!!!". He got dragged in also.

Integra then walked in. "ALUCARD WHERE THE HELL ARE YOU?!" She marched up to the toilet and looked in, as the tentacles came up and stood there for a second, before shooting back in with a scream.

"Well, _that _was odd." she said as she watchted the still screaming creature flush itself down the toilet. And then she walked out. Alucard's muffled voice was heard inside the pipes.

"How did we all fit in here?!"

"Shut up, Master, it's _YOUR_ son!!!"

"You helped make it..."

"WHAT?!"

"Nothing."

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Act One, Chapter 4:If the coat fits (Deshwitat)

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England laid in ruins, a zeppelin floating ominously above the ruined city. A familiar figure with large sunglasses and a white suit and coat stands atop it, laughing. A familiar German accent is heard...

"WOW, Zis coat is comfortable. I should have done zis long ago.", The young boy laughed. The figure is revealed to be Schrodinge,r wearing the majors clothes and laughing maniaclly, like him.

The major is heard crying in the background. "I VANT MEIN COAT BACK!!! I'm Cold!! Everythings getting dark...I cant see...iz zat you God?"

The crazed catboy merely yelled at him. "SHUT UP FATTY, YOULL LIVE!"

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Read and review please.


	2. Act 2

Note from Minion: Total Awesomeness chapter reviews! We are pleasesed! Make more of your glamorous reviews! And there is no canon between the chapters. Just akwardness all around. and we were suprised to see a review from Agent HUNK, since our story, in ways, draws inspiration from his stories. Thank you, your HUNKiness. The One have spoken.

P.S(with an M in the middle): One of the Songs in Deshie's fic will be in Script form, due to the fact that I are lazy. I didn't want to work with the editing the whole thing to story format with Qwerty involved. I'm SOOOORRRRYYYYY!!! With a capital Q.

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Minion Chapter Two, Act One: Questions answered everywhere.

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Heinkel and Yumiko were sitting in the Iscariot headquarters, talking about the coming war against Millenium. Yumi suddenly turned to Heinkel as they were brushing thier hair before they went to bed.

"Say, do you think I'll last long in the war, Yumiko?" The Nun asked.

"By my guess, no. You'll probably get chopped to little bits by a crazy guy with razorwire." Heinkel replied, still brushing her short hair. Suddenly, Jan Valentine ran through the room, on fire.

"GAAAH!!! THE IRONY!!!!" He shouted, suddenly turning to ashes and flying out the window. Heinkel and Yumi payed him no mind.

"So...Heinkel, I have another question. Are you really a girl?"

"VAT?!"

"Well, I was just wondering, since you don't...y'know...have tits."

"That ist ridiculous!!!" Heinkel screamed, infuriated. She suddenly grabbed her pants and ripped them off, showing the horrified Yumiko what was there.

"...Heinkel, is that a...va-va?...On top of a...wee-wee...?!"

"YES IT IST! UND NOW I VILL SHOW YOU VAT I CAN REALLY DO!!!"

Heinkel suddenly glomped Yumiko into the closet in thier room, and shut the door. Little did they realize the camera in the closet, held by an insane man wearing nothing but bloody butcher clothes, his spectacles, and his boxers, watching them struggle against each other, smirking in the darkness. His glasses and smile glared in the darkness, as most anime character's do, and Yumiko noticed it.

"HEINKEL, A MEMBER OF MILLENIUM IS BEHIND YOU!!! IT'S THE ONE IN THE BUTCHER SUIT!!"

"The one zat looks like ze keyboardist off of Rammstein?"

"The very one!"

Heinkel and Yumiko suddenly leapt up, and started beating the crap out of the The Dok. Speaking of Millenium, I think it's time for some abuse for everyone's favorite Nazi war monger, The Major!

--

Meanwhile, on the zepplin, Zorin Blitz stood in front of the Major inside her bathroom, wearing only a towel that covered her backside. The Major's eyes were wide in shock, his glasses leaning off of his nose.

"Zorin...you are...not a fraulien?"

"NO!!! I TOLD YOU VENN ME MET, ZAT I VAS A HEMAPHRO-"

Meanwhile, The Captain was walking solemnly by, and heard a shriek from the Major in Zorin's room. The Cap's eyes widened, and he bolted toward the location of the noise. When he kicked open the door, Zorin was still nude, but holding her towel out of the sight of the reader, thank the Lord almighty. The Captain's eyes widened even more, and suddenly rolled back into his head. He tried to say something, despite being mute, and collapsed, breathing heavily, and shaking violently. Zorin laughed maniaccly, and put on her clothes, walking out whistling the theme song from Darkwing Duck.

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Minion Chapter two, Act two: Sun.

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Alucard smiled, sitting in the sun, trying to tan, on the beach. Seras was playing Volleyball with Integra, and Alucard was off getting drunk into a stupor at the bar. Alucard smiled, adjusting his sunglasses. His beach trunks seemed to fit him just right. He held his tanning mirror up to his chest, and soaked in the sunlight...but something bothered him.

"Hey...if I'm a vampire, then why am I out in the Sunli-?!(POP)." Alucard tried to say his sentence, before exploding in the sun's light, leaving no trace of himself behind.

"MASTER!!!" Seras shouted out, tears welling up in her eyes.

"ALUCARRRD!!!" Integra screamed, pissed.

Walter, however, was inside the local bar near the beach, drunk into a stupor, and river-dancing on top of the counter with an equally drunk Anderson.

"Hup-ta yoo-ha whooya HEY!!" they shouted in unison to the clapping bar, before taking a bow, and falling off of the counter, unconcious.

Back on the beach...

-----

Integra and Seras were mourning Alucard, when Schrodinger suddenly popped up.

"I don't see vat the big deal is. He'll regnerate in, like 5 minu-"

"OH MY GOD, VERE'D YOU COME FROM?!" Pip suddenly shouted, walking up, smoking five ciggaretes in his mouth,

"I'm everyvere und novhere...und why are du smoking five ciggaretes at the same time?"

"I do not know. Ze author vants to make me die of cancer, I guess."

"Nein, if anything, _she_ vill probably kill you." Schrodinger said, pointing to Seras.

"Hehe, right. Like zat vill ever happen."

"So, anyvay, I should get going. Your friend ist avakening, und I don't vant to get kidnapped und raped again. Ciao!" The catboy said, snapping his fingers, and dissapearing. Alucard was regenerated by now, Jackal in hand.

"Master, I was so worrie-!" Seras shouted happily, before getting a bullet to the head.

"Alucard, what the hell was tha-?!" Integra shouted angrily, before getting her lower jaw blown off, then the upper part of her head.

"Alucard, sir! Tu es fou?!" Pip managed to get his sentence out, before getting his face blown off. Alucard sat down, content, and resumed tanning.

"Plot continuity sucks, anyway..." Alucard mumbled to himself, closing his eyes, and napping.

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Desh Target practice

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It was a boring, drab day at the Hellsing Manor, and Alucard and Seras had decided to have a staring contest.

"……………………. I'll win master, I'll win..." Seras said, sweating, and trying not to blink. Alucard merely smiled and kept staring. Schrodinger then appeared in the middle of them holding a bundle of flowers

"Gutten ta-!(BLAM)", he tried to get out, before Schrodinger's head exploded. Alucard sat there holding the Jackal smiling.

"I win again police girl." Alucard said to Seras with his grin. Scrodinger poped up behind Seras, unharmed.

"Vell! That's not very nice, I just came to apologize for being so (BLAM!)!!!". Seras sat there holding the harkannon smiling.

"I win master!" Seras said, smiling. Schrodinger popped up again, with an angry expression on his face.

"ZAT IS REALLY GETTING ANNOYING! (BLAM)". Alucard started laughing, putting a new clip into the Jackal.

---

8 hours later...

"ZIS IS WEARING ON MEIN NERVES!! WILL YOU QUI- (BLAM)!!" Alucard started laughing once again, as Schrodinger dissapeared again. Integra meanwhile had finally decided to see who was shooting up her mansion. She entered Alucard's room, angrily.

"ALUCARRRD!! WHAT IN THE HE- (BLAM)!!" She tried to get out, before having her head blown off by a large artillery round. Seras sat there holding the smoking gun.

"SIR INTEGRA ANSWER ME!" Seras cried in Maxwell's voice. The stump of the great Hellsing leader's head merely gurgled...

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Hellsing Karaoke Deshwitat

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Iscariot Hellsing and millennium had all decided to settle there differences bye the GREAT ART OF KAROKE! All of the members except Alucard, Seras, and Schrodinger were there. Anderson had decided to step up first. Anderson looked at the Dok who was at the DJ booth in all of this.

"Vell Anderson, haff you decided vat you're going to be singing?"

"Aye, I will be singin' an ol' Scottish classic, Danny Boy."

The Dok nodded, putting the record on the booth. The music then began, except it wasn't Danny Boy...

"BRAY-SHA BRAY-SO, NUMA NUMA YAY, NUMA NUMA YAY, NUMA NUMA NUMA YAY, TIEF A STO OH DRAGOSTEI DEN TEI, MAL-LA(record scratch followed by a CRUNCH)"

The Dok broke the record in half, embarrased. "Sorry! I've got a rave later on tonight." He said as he put the tape in the player, and walked away, red as a beet."

Anderson began, as the bagpipes began playing.

"Oh Danny boy, th' pipes, th' pipes are calling...

From glen to glen, an' down the mountain side...

Th' summer's gone, an' all th' flowers are dying...

'Tis ye, 'tis ye mus' go and I mus' bide.

But come ye back when summer's in the meadow...

Or when th' valley's hushed an' white wi' snow...

'Tis I'll be here in sunshine or in shadow,

Oh Danny boy, oh Danny boy, I love ye so."

Heinkell and yumiko popped up behind him singing along. Anderson stopped singing and stood silent, as Heinkel and Yumi kept singing. Both were still singing, as Anderson's face got red with anger.

"DAMMIT YUMIKO!!!!!!" He shouted as he grabbed the poor girl and slammed her through the wall and walked off stage pissed, Heinkel shouting to him about his mood swings from the pills.

The Major, delighting in this violence, couldnt help but wonder where the king of ultra violence was. As if on cue, Alucard kicked the doors of the bar open and walked in in all pink with a cane in one hand and a chain in the other. he walked in dragging a crying Schrodinger, who was dressed in a Catgirl outfit, and Seras just walked in in her normal clothes. The Major turned around and laughed. Ah, Alucard there you are! Und Schrodinger, vere haff you OH SCHIESSE!!!" The Major screamed, as he ran off screaming. Alucard then smiled at Schrodinger.

"Your turn, my little pussy." He said as he detached the chain around Schrodinger's neck. The poor cat boy limped up to the stage, as The Dok walked back up holding a huge bottle of vodka, and sitting at the D.J. Booth. "Vell Schrodinger (Hiccup) vat vill you be singing?"

Scrodinger was trembling as he looked at Alucard. "I vill be singing "Kitten ist Angry" by Lemon Demon

Dok put a cd in the slot and passed out, muttering about cats.

Schrodinger began between whimpers.

"Mein kitten, mein kitty cat.

When she's content she purrs.

She thinks the house is hers.

But you won't like her when she's angry.

No, you won't like her when she's angry.

Angry, angry.

She's cuddly.

She's lovely when she's in a happy mood.

She loves her kitten food.

But she's got such an attitude...

Completely rotten attitude.

Rotten attitude.

Kitten ist angry, kitten ist offended.

Fur standing out und little claws extended.

Darting around and meowing quite a bit,

and throwing such a hissy fit.

I don't know what to make of it.

Don't touch her.

Don't look at her.

Mein kitten knows TAE KWON DO.

She can take you out, I know.

I've seen it before and it's not pretty.

She's really one ferocious kitty cat.

Meow.

(Oh, yeah.)

She's deadly.

She'll hurt you.

She'll show you endless pain.

Her little whiskers are stained with the blood of those that she hast slain.

Believe me, she vill go insane.

She vill go insane.

Kitten ist angry, kitten ist offended.

Fur standing out und little claws extended.

Darting around and meowing quite a bit,

and throwing such a hissy fit.

I don't know what to make of it..."

Alucard walked on to stage clapping, and smiling. "Good job my little kitten. Now...come with-". That's all he could get out, before The Major ran onto stage holding a pauzerfaust, Smiling.

"Auf Wiedersehen!" The Major shouted, pulling the trigger. The missile fired out, and nailed Alucard right in the head, blowing him apart.

"Now Schrodinger, you are coming vith me." The Major said, walking almost all the way offstage, before noticing Alucard's body rising, covered in shadow, and The Speakers playing the opening riff of "Beezelboss" from the Tenacious D movie. Alucard slowly transformed into his dark form, as The Dok looked at his Sound System, and seeing that it was off. Alucard, when he fully regenerated in his dark form, smiled widely at the Major and Schrodinger.

_Alucard, smiling, his hair standing up _"I am complete!"

_Schrodinger and Major, scared shitless_ "FuuuuuuUUUUCK!"

_Alucard_ "Yes you are fucked, shit out of luck!  
Now I'm complete and my cock you will suck!  
This contest will be mine, and you're first in line!  
Your cat sucked my dick and now you shall both die!" 

_Major, holding his hand up in front of Schrodinger, pointing at Alucard_ "Vait! Vaaait! Vaait, you mozherfucker!  
Ve challenge you to a rock off!  
Give us one chance to rock your socks off..." 

_Alucard, angrily_ Fuck!!! FUCK!!! FUCK!!!  
The demon code prevents me,  
from declining a rock off challenge.  
What are your terms? What is the caaatch? 

_The Major, pulling out an acoustic guitar and beggining to strum it._ "If ve vin, you must take your sorry ass back to Hellsing.  
and also, you haff to pay Dok's rent."

_Alucard, crossing his arms_ "And what if I winnn?"  
_Major, still playing_ "Then you can take Schrodinger back to Hellsing..."  
_Schrodinger, doing a double take and turning towards Major, shocked_ "Vat!?"  
_Major, smiling_ "Trust me Schrodinger, it ist the only vay!  
_Schrodinger, confused_ "Vat the fuck are du talking about?!"  
_Major, Ignoring schrodinger_ "To be your little bitch!"  
_Alucard, smiling, and pulling out a guitar from the darkess, shaped like a coffin._  
"Fine! Let the rock off begin! Hahahahaa!!!

_Suddenly, the stage takes the form of the Hellsing Manor's Dungeon, shrouded in Alucard's eyes.  
_"I'm Al-u-Card, I love me-tal!  
Check-this-riff-it's-fucking-tasty!"

Begins playing a large solo, as the Hellhound starts playing the background drums, and zombie Pip takes up another guitar 

"I'm a Vamp, I can do what i want!  
Whatever I got, I'm gonna flaunt!  
There's never been a rock-off that I've ever lost!  
I cant wait to take the cat back to Hellsing!  
I'm gonna fill him with my hot demon jelly!  
I'll make him squeal like my scarlet pimpernel"

_The Major, jumping in and stopping the riff._

"NEEEEINNNN!! C'mon Schrodinger, bring de thunder!"  
_Schrodinger_ "Zere's just no way zat ve can vin,  
that vas a masterpiece."  
_Major_ "Nein, Schrodinger, listen to me..."  
_Schrodinger_ "He rocks too hard because he ist not a mortal man."  
_The Major, now mad._ "Gottdamnit Schrodinger!!!  
He gonna make you his sex slave.  
You're gonna gargle mayonnaise,  
unless ve bust a massive monster-mamma-jam!"  
_Schrodinger_ "Major, ve've been through so much shit," 

_Major_ "Mauled up London with mein blimp". 

_BOTH, pulling out thier electric guitars._ "Now it's time to blow zis fucker down!!" 

_Major_ "C'mon Schrodinger, now it's time to blow doors down! 

_Schrodinger_ "I hear you, Major, now it's time to blow doors down!" 

_Major_ "Light up ze stage 'cause its time for ein showdown!" 

_Schrodinger_ "Ve'll bend you over, then ve'll take ya tu browntown!" 

_BOTH_ "Now ve've got tu blow dis fucker down!!!" 

_Schrodinger, singing into a microphone, playing his Hello Kitty guitar_ "He's gonna rape mir if ve do not blow doors down!" 

_Major_ "C'mon Schrodinger, 'cause it's time tu blow doors down!" 

_Schrodinger_ "OOOOOOH, and who'll piledrive ya, it's time for ze smackdown!" 

_Major, going into a massive riff with Zorin on the drums_ "Hey anti-christ-er, Alucard,  
Ve know your weakness, our rocket-sauce,  
Ve rock the casbah, and blow your mind!  
Ve vill defeat du, for all Millenium!  
Du hold ze scepter,  
Ve hold ze key!  
Du are the Vamp, und ve are ze Millinieum!"

_Once the song is over, Alucard sighs, and laughs, aiming his Jackal_  
"You guys are fucking lame. Come on Schrodinger, You're coming with me!  
Taste my Jackal fuckers!"

_The Major, jumping in front of Schrodinger, with his panzerfaust, and firing_ "NEEIN!!"

_The rocket hits Alucard in the head, blowing a chunk out of his head, causing him to slowly disentigrate._  
"Ow! Fuck!  
My Fuckin' head!  
OOH NOOO!"

_The Major_ "From whence you came you shall remain,  
until you are complete again...in about 3 minutes."

_Alucard, dissolving into dust, flying out the window of the Kareoke bar_  
"Nooooooo! Fuck you Schrodinger! And Fuck you Major!  
I'll get you Millenium!"

After Alucard Dissolved, everyone sat and stared for a few moments at the pile of dust, as it flew out the window. Integra lit a cigar, and began to walk out.

"Well, this WAS fun, but I'm going back to Hellsing."

"WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAIIIIIIIIITTTTTTTT!!!!!" Maxwell screamed, his left eye going crazy. "I have a song to sing! Dok, are you SOBER yet?!"

The Dok looked at him, as his nose was bleeding, covered in a white dust. "Yupyupyup, noooooooooooooo alchahol here, Iscariot looney man! Vat song do ya want to sing? Whatsongwhatsongwhatsongwhatsooooonnnnng?!"

"Maxwell Edison's Silver Hammer, by The Beatles." Maxwell smiled, as Heinkel walked over to the piano, and Yumi, wearing a bandage over her face, and brace over one of her legs, picked up an acoustic guitar. Alucard walked over to Seras and Integra.

"This ought to be good, eh Master?" Alucard asked Integra.

"AAAAAAAAAH ZOMBIEE!!!!!!!!!!!" Seras screamed, running off. Integra nodded her head silently

"And what about you, Schrodinger? Would you like thaaaAAAAAOOOOWWWW!!!" Alucard tried to say, before getting sprayed in the eyes by a clear liquid, held in a spray bottle by Schrodinger, who was wearing his normal clothes.

"Eat Holy Water, Dracula!!!" Schrodinger screamed, as Alucard rolled over onto the ground clutching his eyes, and Schrodinger kicked him in the stomach repediatly, chasing him out the door, still kicking him. Maxwell took his place behind the microphone, as the Dok hyperactively insered the CD into the player.

"Joan was quizzical; studied metaphysical  
Science in the home.  
Late nights all alone with a test tube.  
Oh, oh, oh, oh.

Maxwell Edison, majoring in medicine,  
Calls her on the phone.  
"Can I take you out to the pictures,  
Joa, oa, oa, oan?"

But as she's getting ready to go,  
A knock comes on the door.

Bang! Bang! Maxwell's silver hammer  
Came down upon her head.  
Bang Bang Maxwell's silver hammer  
Made sure that she was dead.

Back in school again Maxwell plays the fool again.  
Teacher gets annoyed.  
Wishing to avoid an unpleasant  
Sce, e, e, ene,

She tells Max to stay when the class has gone away,  
So he waits behind  
Writing fifty times "I must not be  
So, o, o, o.."

But when she turns her back on the boy,  
He creeps up from behind.

Bang! Bang! Maxwell's silver hammer  
Came down upon her head.

Bang Bang! Maxwell's silver hammer

made sure that she was (record scratch)...?"

The music suddenly stopped, as The Dok ripped the CD out of the system, and began eating it. Everyone stared horrified at Dok, before The Dok stood up, and put another CD in.

"RAVE TIME!" Dok screamed, before the music started. 

"BRAY-SHA BRAY-SHA, NUMA NUMA YAY, NUMA NUMA YAY, NUMA NUMA NUMA YAY, TIEF A DRELL SHE DRAGOSTEI DEN TEI, MAL-LA HEE, MA LA HOO, MA LA HAA, MA LA HAHA, MA YA HEE, MA YA HOO! MAY YA HAHA! BRAY-SHA BRAY SO NUMA NUMA YAY, NUMA NUMA YAY, NUMA NUMA NUMA YA! TIEF A DRELL DRAGOSTEI DEN TEI! NAMMEN FEST A SO KIE YAYAY!!"

And there was much Dancing...

-------------------

Fabulous songs used:

Danny Boy - Frederic Weatherly

Kitten is Angry - Lemon Demon

Beezelboss (The Final Showdown) - Tenacious D

Maxwell Edison's Silver Hammer - The Beatles

Numa Numa (Pronounced Lyrics) - O-zone

Have fun my little Darklings!


	3. Act 3

A/N: Not as many reviews this time for chapter two! Chapter zwei! Wei! Why?! Whai! Whales...biscuts. Here are the next acts. Please review. Oh, and thanks, Agent HUNK for the fortune cookie-style review. We'll blow up your limosuine last :D !

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Chapter 3: Act 1 : The Dawn.

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_In Warsaw, 1944, Alucard and Walter invaded The Major's base. However, complications did arise..._

"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!!!! WALTER, FOR THE LOVE OF GOD HELP ME!!!!" Girlycard wailed as her dress...and herself...were being pulled under the treads of a Panzer tank. She howled as her feet, then knees, slowly snapped under the pressure. She'd already wasted half the ammo in her Tommy gun on the tank, to no avail. Walter, meanwhile, was slashing through the soldiers with his razorwire, rushing toward the tank. When he finally got to the tank, he sliced over the cockpit hatch, and jumped in. After a shower of blood, Girlycard shouted to Walter. "WALTER, TURN IT OFF! TURN IT OFF!". Girlycard didn't recieve the answer she wanted however...

"Hey, Alucard, this thing's got radio built in!" Walter shouted. In moments, the big band music of the 40's blared out of the tank, as Girlycard's eyes widened in pain and anger, the treads now crushing her waist.

"GODDAMN YOU WALTER, THE TANK JUST BROKE MY SPINE!!!!!! TURN THE FUCKING THING OFF!!!"

"Sorry Alucard, can't hear ya!" Walter shouted, changing the station. "Damn, it's all in German. Good bass quality thou-"

"WALTER PUT IT IN REVERSE!!!!!!!"

"I don't think this radio's got rewind built in, Alucard! No big deal!"

"YOU STUPID MORON!!! WHY ARE YOU EVEN TAGGING ALOOOOOOUUUUCH!!!!!" Girlycard screamed as the treads crushed his/her chest. Walter suddenly poked his head out of the tank and looked at him/her.

"Oh shit, you're getting crushed! I should put this baby in reverse!"

"...Jackfuck..." Girlycard coughed as the tank backed off of her, revealing her body, which was flat. Walter jumped out, and stared at his partner.

"Well, Alucard, regenerate! We've gotta move!"

"I can't." Girlycard grumbled. "I didn't get any limbs torn off. I can only regenerate if i get limbs torn ARRRRGH!!!" Girlycard screamed, as Walter sliced off the part of his body which was crushed (AKA: 3/4ths of it.). "JESUS, WHAT THE FUCK!?!"

"You said you couldn't regenerate unless..."

"I know what I said, numbnuts!" Girlycard shouted, slowly regenerating her lost...torso and lower body...and stood up, grabbing her tommy gun and putting more ammo into it.

_3 hours later..._

"Hey...Alucard...can I ask you something?" Walter asked nervously, walking down the hallways, Girlycard walking onward.

"What is it Walter? And if you're trying to bum another ciggarete off of me, I don't have any. I quit smoking."

"You just lit up 3 minutes ago!!"

"And I quit two minutes ago. Your point?"

"Well, anyway...I was wondering, once this is all done here with the nazi werewolves...you wanna...go out sometime?"

Girlycard suddenly stopped in her tracks, her hat falling off of her head.

"...Walter..."

"Yeah?"

"...I'm a GUY!!!!!!!" Alucard screamed in his normal voice.

"Holy shit, you are?!" Walter shouted, embarassed.

"WEREN'T YOU BRIEFED?!"

"I don't know, I was too busy playing with the razorwire!"

"..."

"..."

"..."

"..."

"..."

"..."

The akward silence was broken when Girlycard slammed her casket into Walter's head. For two hours, she drug him around used him as her weapon instead of her tommy gun. Walter was unaware of where the bruises, blood and bumps came from, and Alucard merely smiled. Later that day, Walter and The Major made an agreement over a cup of tea and a bong full of fruit loops, that in fourty-five years, Walter would be brainwashed and turned twenty years younger thanks to Manga science constantly used by The Dok. Still, to this day, nobody knows how Alucard turned into a suprisingly good looking chick.

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Act 2: Tales from the Hindenburg

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Schrodinger and Dok sat next to each other in the dining hall. Dok was stil recovering from his massive brain cell trauma due to the drug and alchahol abuse from the kareoke contest, but still managed to fix Schrodinger to where he didn't feel anal pain or bleeding anymore. Schrodinger turned to face Dok.

"Hey, Dok?" Schrodinger asked.

"Vat is it, Eduard?"

"...My name's Schrodinger."

"Nein. Your name ist Eduard Schutzstaffel Von Triginometric Principalitiy of Wiedersehn Eins Zwei Trei Du Hast Mich Gefragt und ist am nicht gesacht!. Villst Mein Herz Brennt?! NEIN! Es Wird Kalt!!!"

Realizing that Dok would go on ranting in Rammstein lyrics for a while since he was still drunk and partially baked, he decided to take his question to Rip Van Winkel. Rip was sleeping when Schrodinger opened her door. She smiled sweetly at Schrodinger, rising up slowly.

"Um, Rip? I haf a Question"

"Schrodinger, I haf one too."

"Um, yes Rip?"

"Did ve all not come to an agreement some two months, four days, fifteen hours, seventeen minutes, und fourty seconds ago that eweryone vould not vake me up until I'm DAMN GOOD UND READY TO VAKE UP ON MEIN OWN FREE VILL?!"

"...Vell, zis ist important..."

"So ist this!" Rip shouted, firing a shot from her musket, and blowing Schrodinger's head off in chunks every time the bullet zipped back through. Schrodinger snapped his fingers, and teleported next to Alexander Anderson. Schrodinger looked around in shock, realizing he was in the Iscariot headquarters.

"Vat the Hell?!"

"Wha' th' Hell?!"

Schrodinger slapped his face with the palm of his hand, slowly bringing it down.

"Fantastic...Vell...since I'm here, Mr. Anderson, I haf a question?"

"How d' ye know my name? Are ye one o' th' grey ones?"

"Nein. I just haf a question...vere did I come from?"

"..." Anderson remained silent for a few moments, staring past Schrodinger at the wall behind, a gleam over his glasses. He remained in this state, until Yumiko interrupted his train of thought.

"Anderson, what is that Millenium freak doing he-" She was interrupted by Anderson furiously turning around, and throwing her down, beginning to beat the crap out of her.

"Damnit Yumiko!" Anderson shouted, as Heinkel rushed over to try and restrain him, along with Maxwell and Random Iscariot Cronie Number Twelve. Schrodinger stared in amusement for a moment, before snapping his fingers and appearing next to the pudgy form of the Major.

"Major, vere did I come fro-"

"Zorin."

"...Vat?"

"Zorin ist your mother."

"...How?"

"She got it on vith Captain many years ago. It vas against his vill, he found out she vas a tranny during the bow-chicka-wow-wow, und hasn't spoken since."

"...V...Vat? Zorin...mutter? Captain...vater? Oh...Mein...Gott...Gott in Himmel..."

"Oh don't be so freaking overdramatic, I had to vatch the damn surveillence tape...I'll let you borrow it if you vant it."

"GEH?! NEIN! NEIN!!!!! I DON'T KNOW VAT I VANT ANYMORE!!!"

---

Two hours later, Schrodinger stood on the edge of the Hindenburg II.

"Goodbye, cruel, crazy vorld..." Schrodinger gasped, as he jumped off the Hindenburg. After he hit the ground, he instantly teleported back up to the deck of the Hindenburg. "...Ah damnit. Vait...If Captain's my father, then...how did I get mein cat ears?"

"Dok did it." Major said, suddenly appearing next to Schrodinger in a tutu. "He had a Nekogirl fetish und for a boy, you looked suprisingly hot." So he put two und two togezer, und voila, a catboy."

"Dok had a crush on me?!"

"Schrodinger, alot of people thought you vere a girl ven you made your first appearance in Volume Four."

" 'Volume Four'? Vat the Hell, Major?!"

"So...I'm the only one who realizes...Vell, anyvay, forget I said that. My point is you're hot to alot of people. Sadly, I am not hot. This saddens me. Auf Wiedersehn." The Major said, before vaporizing through the floor. Schrodinger stared down at the ground where Major dissapeared. An eerie silence took hold, as Schrodinger contemplated his life...and what was on tv that night.

-----------------------------

A/N: Mutter Mother. Vater Father. Psyche/Perception. Welcome the Deshwitat chapters as if they were criminally accused rapists dressed as birthday clowns:D.

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Chapter 3, Act 3: Police Girl (Deshwitat)

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One night at the Hellsing Manor, there were no punk vampires running around, no army of zombies screaming into the air, no gunshots, and Alucards gleeful laughing following that sound………….yet.

It was a quiet night, until Alucard started sleep walking ………

"Police girl."

Alucard laid in a deep sleep dreaming of killing ghouls alongside Seras...until it turned into a wet dream.

Alucard stood up and knocked the top off his coffin, and began lumbering around his room, to the door. Seras happened to be walking past his room at the exact moment the horny vampire kicked the door off it's hinges and sent her through a stone wall. Alucard began mumbling in his sleep.

"Police girl, how do you like that police girl?" Alucard mumbled, as he began lumbering around the mansion's halls. Walter went to see what was the cause of all the commotion, and Alucard happened to be walking by Walter at that moment. The aged butler waved at him.

"Well hello Alucard, lovely night isnt...Alucard put that back in you trousers, please."

"Police girl...get on your knees, police girl..."

"Alucard I thought we to agreed to quit these kind of things after the war!"

Alucard then grabbed Walter's head and proceeded to put it near his crotch. Walter saw this as the cue to break Alucard's arm and run away. Alucard not fazed kept walking as the butler went to shoot himself.

----

Pip had been sitting in his office drinking when Alucard came stumbling by, and into his office.

"Hello Alucard, sir, nice night, eh?"

"Hello Police Girl."

"Seras isn't around sir, I haven't seen..."

"Get on the desk police girl."

"Okay, but I don't see how that will solve any thing, sir."

Four hours later, after Seras had regained consciousness, she heard a crying noise from the closet in Alucard's quarters. She opened the door to find Pip in the fetal position crying.

"Pip, what happened?!"

"HE RAPED ME!!!!!!"

**DUN DUN DUN**

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Chapter 3, Act 4: Cross Deshwitat

-------------------------------

Anderson and Alucard were just about to begin another all out brawl. Anderson did his normal cross the swords, "Amen" thing, and smiled, but that smile soon became a scowl. As he saw Alucard was doin the exact same thing with his guns.

"Alucard, wha' in th' hell do ye think yer doing?"

Alucard smiled wider. I'm showing you you're not special. I can do it too."

"But tha' was my thing."

"Well, now its my thing, Anderson. I wi-GACK!!"

Thousands of swords impaled the vampire at the same time.

"Anderson, I was joCCKKAKAKK!" Alucard tried to get out, before having his head COMPLETELY impaled.

"WHO WINS NOW YE HERETIC? OH YEAA…..

Koolaid man suddenly burst through the wall. "OH YEAH!!!!!!"

"THAT WAS MY LINE!" Anderson screamed, punching Koolaid man, causing him to shatter. Anderson stared at the broken glass surrounding the red juice at his feet. Anderson huffed, and tipped Alucard's paralyzed body over, causing the bayonets to pop out.

"Aren't you going to fight me, Anders-"

"NOT IN TH' MOOD!!!"

With that, Anderson hopped back in Iscariot's helecopter, and was heard cussing and screaming into the night...


	4. an explination

Hey, guys. Sorry but the chapter's going to be a while. My computer crashed, and lost all it's files in a blaze of glory, and I had to get it repaired. I'm not letting that slow me down though! I'm going to rewrite what I had, and I promise, I'll come back TWICE as hard as before! The time the computer had to go into repair has let me come up with some intiresting new ideas that you'll see soon. Ciao for now, and remember, I WILL RETURN!!!!!

Minion V2


	5. Act 0

A/N: Here is the wonderful filler chapter, titled "Act 0", with every story being made by yours truly(Since Desh's computer is broken). Please review!

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----------------------------------------------------

Act 0: Story 1: "What if he missed?"(This story is taken from an episode of the original anime where Anderson and Alucard fight in the Subway Station)

----------------------------------------------------

Alucard and Anderson chased each other through the dark subway, after Anderson had failed to damage Alucard with his bayonets. Alucard gave chase as Anderson ran into the darkness of a subway car. After a few moments, Alucard saw a bible flying at him. Alucard raised the Jackal, smirked, aimed...and got smashed in the face by the book. Alucard reeled back, his broken glasses falling off of his face, and clutched his bleeding nose.

"OW! GOD DAMN THAT HURT!!!"

"Dinnae use th' lord's name in vain, Vampire..." Anderson said, receding from the shadows.

"SHUT THE FUCK UP! YOU BROKE MY NOSE...AH GODAMN MY GLASSES, TOO!! THOSE COST FOUR-HUNDRED AND FIFTY DOLLARS YOU** ASS**!!!"

"...Fer th' lord's sake vampire, ye dinnae pussy on about stuff like this when I cut yer head off!"

"Well, I couldn't because you CUT MY FRIGGIN' HEAD OFF!!!!!!"

"For pity's sake...If yer' this big of a bitch, then ah'm out."

"Fine, you stupid sack of haggis and shit!" Alucard shouted, turning around in a rage, and walking out of the train car, as Anderson dissapeared in a spiral of pages.

"...Master??" Seras asked, quizzically, as Alucard walked out of the train car. Alucard scowled and yanked Seras' red skullcap beanie off, and put it on his head. "What did you do that for, Master?"

"I need a hat at all times..."

"But...Master...that's a girl's-!"

"I KNOW WHAT IT IS YOU FOOL!!!"

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Act 0: Story 2: Walk in the Park. (Another A/N: I know in logical terms vampires can't get out in the daylight. However, I challenge you to find a logical thing in my stories.)

-------

"WHAT?!" Seras shouted at Integra, as Alucard stood next to her with his ever present grin.

"I asked you to take Alucard for a walk." Integra replied, brushing her hair. "Walter's in bed today with a headache so he can't do it. So it's on you, Seras."

"But...miss Integra...how am I going to..." she turned to Alucard, who still smirking, put a leash around his neck, and went into his Baskerville Hound mode. He smirked and barked at Seras, and sat down, motioning for Seras to pick up the leash.

"Be back in three hours, don't let him get hit by any cars, and make sure he doesn't kill anyone, okay?"

"...Yes Sir..." Seras sighed, picking up the leash.

---

Seras walked along the park in her civilian gear, Alucard trotting happily behind her. Suddenly, he stopped next to a fire hydrant, and hiked his leg. Seras stopped, and turned around to see why Alucard had stopped, when suddenly she saw the fire hydrant catch fire and begin to melt as Alucard's piss hit it. He stoped, smirked, and continued to walk on with Seras.

----

2 hours later...

--------------

Seras walked back in, as Alucard walked in and turned back to normal. Integra looked up from her desk, and smirked.

"I suppose Alucard didn't give you too much trouble, Seras?"

"Well actually, apparently Alucard has a fondness for my leg." Seras said with a grimace, as Alucard smiled and gave a peace sign to Integra, who looked none too pleased.

"Well, Alucard, what do you have to say for yourself?" She said, as Alucard smiled and took off his glasses, cleaning them a little, before putting them back on.

"No habla English, Seniorita."

"I see. Well, you two are free to go now. Oh, by the way, I found out that Walter wasn't sick, he was just sitting in his room beating off to Bible Black all day."

An eerie silence took hold, before Alucard looked at Integra.

"What's Bible Black? Something to do with Anderson?"

"No...I think you'd better see for yourself, Alucard..."

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A/N: I'm ending this chapter right now because I'm lazy XD And I don't feel like explaining Bible Black.

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Act 0, Story 3: "What if he missed" PT. 2

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Alucard spiraled toward the HMS Eagle that Rip Van Winkle had commandeered. Rip sat freaking out, and shooting at Alucard, who kept falling...falling...falling. Zamiel had finally came for her, Rip thought. This was her end...Hunters can fear things...and Zamiel was her fear...Alucard kept flying downward and downward until...

**SPLOOOSH!!!!!**

Alucard had missed the ship entirely and had gone underwater. Rip and the rest of the vampires stared over the edge of the ship and watched the plane sink.

"Vell, zat made things much easier." Rip said, adjusting her glasses.

--------

Meanwhile, in the Millenium blimp, Major was laughing his ass off...

-------

Alucard sat in the cockpit of the jet, as water began to make cracks in the windows and leak through.

"Well if this doesn't suck donkey dick." He sighed, pressing the eject button, which shot him up through the water, and through the sky on a parachute...

-------

In London at the meeting between Integra and the Navy commander...

-------

"STUPID FUCKING COCKBAG DOESN'T KNOW HOW TO FLY A FUCKING PLANE GODAMN GODAMN GODAMN!!!" Integra shouted, beating her head into the desk as she watched the satillite surveillence video. A few minutes of cussing later, Alucard burst through the roof, and landed on the desk.

"Hey, sorry master, do we have another plane so we can try that again? I kinda dicked the landing a little."

"NO!!! That was our only Blackbird!!"

"Ah, Jeezzz...Well, at least you've got me for protection!" Alucard smiled. Integra sat with her head on the desk for a moment, before pulling out her pistol and shooting Alucard in the face.

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Act 0: story 4: Then how did he get in the Jackal?

A/N: Read the first chapter of Volume 5 to understand this chapter.

-------------------

Anderson smirked at Alucard, drawing his bayonets.

"Vampire...Ah've procured some o' the most powerful Holy Bayonets I could have found."

Alucard smirked, drawing his Jackal.

"Oh yeah, Judas Priest? Well my gun is the reincarnation of Bruce Willis!"

Anderson stared at Alucard for a moment, before cocking an eyebrow.

"He is not dead, Vampire."

Alucard's smirk dissapeared, and was replaced by an odd look.

"Should...I come back another time, Vampire?" Anderson asked the silent, not moving Alucard. Suddenly, Alucard shot Anderson in the head and walked off, past Seras.

"Mast-"

"I DON'T WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT!!!"

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A/N I hope you enjoyed these chapters, all made by yours truly .


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